Monday, October 15, 2007

An Open Letter to the Nobel Committee

Proving once again that Phineas T. Barnum was the most perceptive man that ever lived, the Nobel Committee has bestowed upon Albert Gore and his legion of conspirators (uh… collaborators) the prestigious Peace Prize.

This year’s award continues a long tradition of honoring nitwits, incompetents, charlatans, and murderers, including the Greatest Former President in American history, James Earl Carter and that renowned man of peace Yasser Arafat.

Mr. Arafat, it turns out, should have been awarded the Piece of the Action prize for his well-known ability to shake down gullible do-gooders and convert vast sums of cash earmarked for long-suffering Palestinians to his own account.

However, why should Prince Albert, Jimmah and Mr. Arafat be the only parasites sucking on the Nobel nipple? I’ve devoted the last several months to a research project which has uncovered a serious global phenomenon that is so critical in its scope and consequences it could mean the end of life as we know it by the middle of next year’s baseball season.

I have summarized my findings in this…

Open Letter to the Nobel Committee

Ladies and gentlemen, and children of all ages,

I have been making precise calculations since June 20th of this year and I’ve uncovered incontrovertible evidence of Anthropogenic Global Darkening. According to my observations there were 15 hours and 6 minutes of daylight on June 20th. Yesterday, my instruments measured 10 hours and 16 minutes of daylight. This is due to a steady, measurable decrease in sunshine each and every day.

So do the math. If the current trend continues the Earth will be completely shrouded in darkness in precisely pretty soon. I propose that everyone on the planet who has more than I do, give everything they have to me. I will then distribute the funds to everyone on the planet who has less than me, minus a small administration fee.

The overwhelming consensus of people who think the way I do agree that this is the only way to save the Earth from the coming Dark Age.

You can do your part by liquidating your holdings and sending the cash to:

The Gullibility Foundation
P.O. BOX 1984
Chappaqua, New York

Response to this open letter has been gratifying.

D.B. of Brooklyn writes:

Let me be the first to scream “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”

There, I did it.

Upchuck from Katonah is eager to contribute, but has a logistical question.

Since it's Sunday it’s kinda hard to liquidate all my assets. I realize the urgency of this but can I wait until the markets open tomorrow?

And do you accept Pay Pal?

Kindred from Knoxville, Tennessee points out an omission.

You forgot the zip code. And Al will be mad that you are cutting into the earnings of his global warming tax credit company he prospers from.

Sender from Possum Gulch, Arizona concurs with my findings.

That is terrifying! I too have noticed the shortening days. Also, I have been comparing the daily temperatures since July. I am seeing a worrisome trend.

Omar from the Southern Hemisphere is in Global Darkening Denial.

He writes:

Caramba, señor.

I have been taking daylight readings as well and have reached the opposite conclusion. I measured diez horas of sunshine on Junio vente y uno, and more than quince horas of sunlight yesterday. This trend can only be the result of Anthropogenic Global Brightening. In a very short time we will all be scorched and blinded by eternal sunlight.

Anyone who was tempted to contribute their hard-earned treasure to the Gullibility Foundation should instead forward all their worldly goods to:

Instituto del Estúpidos
Santiago, Chile

Snail Darter from Witch’s Elbow, Georgia has his own cause to promote.

I am sure that your fine institutions are worthy of support, and I hope you land billion-dollar grants from Soros and Greenpeace and Algore Inc., however I am not able to contribute at this time. Currently all my meager donations are being sent to the Fund to Save the Fat Three Ridged Mussel, which is in danger of extinction if the uncaring, speciesist bastards in power here in Georgia decide to favor humans and hoard the remaining water so idiot humans can drink and bathe.

These inoffensive mollusks, of the family parasitic glochidia, are quickly being decimated by anthropogenic demusseling as well as the competition for habitat from the interloping Asiatic Clam.

The clams stowaway on ships transporting skilled workers who travel here to fill high-paying jobs in sweat hops on the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Once here they displace indigenous Fat Three Ridged Mussels and establish take-out restaurants, nail salons and real-estate offices.

I can’t rest until these defenseless mussels are safely lying unthinking in the mud, occasionally spewing out a bubble or some feces. I'm sure you will understand.

Clem from Walpole, New Hampshire has had his consciousness raised.

Damn those exotic Asian clams! Up with parasitic glochidia! Save the mussels! The world can't wait! Global demusseling is happening, people!

But Luke Skyfreeper gets the prize for going straight to the heart of the matter.

I hereby certify that I have less than you do, so I need to get on the redistribution list. Can I just freepmail you my contact info?

And thanks for your service to mankind!

BTW: I accept PayPal.