If This is What They're Thinking About...

Thought you'd all get a kick out of this.

Just got a letter from the District Court of Nassau County, Criminal Term. Since most of you already know that I'm a hardened criminal, I'm not giving away any secrets.

I did it, and I'm glad!

Yes, I exceeded the 5MPH speed limit on my jetski in Freeport Creek last summer. After a desperate struggle I was finally subdued and served with five bogus summonses, all of which (except for the speeding) were immediately dismissed.

Rather than spend another full day sitting on the "Group W" bench with slumlords and drunk drivers, I capitulated and paid the fine.

Now, the criminal justice system here in NYS is checking up to make sure that I'm remaining on the straight and narrow.

The letter reminds me that I (the defendant) shall abide by the following conditions of conduct:

- Avoid injurious or vicious habits.

- Refrain from frequenting unlawful or disreputable places or consorting with disreputable persons.

- Work faithfully at a suitable employment or faithfully pursue a course of study or of vocational training that will train me for suitable employment.

There's more, but you get the idea. My personal favorites are the requirements to seek psychiatric treatment and make restitution of the fruits of my crime.

It's heart warming to know that the State of New York is using all their considerable resources to protect the citizens of the Empire State from dangerous marauders who would ride their jetskis at 10MPH in a 5MPH zone.

Now we can all sleep easy.

Perhaps our state's highest law enforcement official, Saint Cuomo the Younger, should coordinate an undercover operation at the new Waverunner attraction in the Nathan's gameroom.

Looks like a career criminal to me.